a letter written on the back of an uber at 5 am

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i am surprised to see
that the city is still going on.
now i am soaring through the streets
as though someone has hit MUTE
and i realise with outstanding clarity
that for the last few months
i’ve been trying to rip my hand
from your hand, the rollercoaster has gone round and round
and i am starting to realise i’ve outstayed my welcome.

yet i have made it this far
as i said i would
and i am on a back of a silent Honda
holding my wallet, my cigarettes
and my house keys
at 5 o’clock on a sunday morning
in october of 2016.

dearest,
although everything has happened,
nothing has happened.
i am frightened that perhaps my sea is very old.
the sea is the face of you and i,
and i am starting to see that it is without miracles
or rage or unusual hope,
grown rough and tired
with incurable age.

still,
look at us try. i look outside the window
at the half-light of Melbourne,
my hands that hang by my knees
my stomach filled with Manhattans
a lifeboat that wears
its dirty canvas coat;
the faded sign that sits on its shelf
saying LIFE PRESERVER.

Oh, alright, i say,
i’ll save myself? is that what you mean?

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