i made a list today.
eggs, milk, potatoes x 6,
a box of tests that would tell me
if again i’ve failed,
and another box of tests to tell me
when I should try again,
bread, toothpaste, windex.
this regime is exhausting
and banal, all in the same breath.
once it was something you avoided at all costs,
it may happen so effortlessly, when you’re not thinking,
like slipping clumsily stepping out of the bath.
now, it’s all apps and timings
and frequency and temperatures,
a quizzical, problematic plumbing issue,
requiring diligence and maintenance and money,
like a leaking tap.
i have made a vocation of it.
how did it swing from
frantic avoidance and frivolous plans,
to suddenly bursting into tears in the bathroom
with red on my fingertips,
wiping clean a weeping nose and
the silent reminder that comes every month,
a solo act.
all month i’ve built
a lifetime in my head
and now the sun sinks to
i am not sure how this all happened.
it is in these moments, the most raw
when I realize with full brutality
how it truly feels
to be a woman.